The truth about babies
November 7, 2007
Can I take this opportunity to urge you all to immediately down tools and go AT ONCE to Public Address wherein you shall read David Haywood’s marvellous post about being a parent to a newly emerged tyrannical dictator.
Sarah, you’re excused from reading this until your newbie is at least three years old, OK?
According to the hospital midwife, this antisocial conduct is the result of a rare medical condition known as “being a greedy little pig”. Naturally enough, it plays havoc with Little Rodney’s digestive system. His tiny stomach roils and gurgles like a fermenter, and mysterious intestinal gases build up to tremendous pressures.
The power of these gases is frequently exhibited during nappy-changing time, in a manner that — even for a right-wing politician — can only be described as severely inappropriate. Little Rodney’s prowess at long-distance defecation is nothing less than awe-inspiring. With a fully-loaded bowel he can easily deliver a payload to the wallpaper on the other side of the room. For an encore, as his stunned parents wring their hands in horror, he likes to urinate over his own head.
Ah, good times.. Good times.