Best Story Ever.

August 5, 2008

Nothing comes close. Sorry, but this is brill.

The Knights Templar are demanding that the Vatican give them back their good name and, possibly, billions in assets into the bargain, 700 years after the order was brutally suppressed by a joint venture between the Pope and the King of France.

If the Holy See doesn’t comply, the warrior knights, renowned for liberating the Holy Land, will deploy that most fearsome of weapons: a laborious court case through the creaking Spanish legal system.

It doesn’t hurt that I’ve just begun playing Medieval II: Total War, and frankly I’m about to declare myself unfit for work until such time as I rule the world. I’ve just crushed the Scots mercilessly in a cruel pincer movement that involved blockading them in at Edinburgh with a small army (with no actual intention of fighting – just there to box them in) while seriously attacking Inverness with my full might, thus dealing the independent nation of Scotland a blow from which it could not recover.

or similar.

And now I see Empire: Total War is on the way. I’m royally screwed.

Sorry, family… You’ll see me in the spring. Sometime.


7 Responses to “Best Story Ever.”

  1. Mysterious Dave Mather Says:

    Gunpowder, bayonets, broadsides!!! I want it! Can I conquer India, or would I have to restrict myself to defeating the French?

  2. audent Says:

    I don’t know. I’m wondering about cavalry charges against squares of squaddies, about Baker rifles, about French eagles…

    Mostly I’m wondering whether Hougoumont was as important as it seems to have been in holding the right flank for the English and whether some well placed cannon might not have seen that turned about.


  3. Mysterious Dave Mather Says:

    Me, I’m wondering if they can incorporate into the game the restrictions on the various maritime powers of the period faced. And if a Anglo-French war was to take place on the shores of the Great Lakes, whether it would be conducted by armies of one unit of regulars, one unit of settlers, and a lot of Indian mercenaries. Or whether the players could just build up a boring old stack of troops in Montreal, and stomp the opposition.

    That, and if I could order my regiments to undertake continous fire by company.

  4. audent Says:

    Beats me but apparently in Medieval II you can eventually send ships off to the New World.

    haven’t got there yet. So far it’s Paris that is about to feel my wrath. This time round it only took me about four years to get excommunicated! Apparently it’s a bigger deal in the new game than in Med I, so that’ll be interesting.

  5. Mysterious Dave Mather Says:

    Excommunication was a fairly big deal in the old game, if memories of Crusading Spaniards storming through the Pyrennes serve me correctly. But four years to be excommunicated, goodness me, naughty you.

    One of the advantages of playing the Turks in Medieval 1: you didn’t have to keep checking on how the Pope was feeling today. Just keep planning the big Mosque you are going to build in the middle of the Vatican.

    So want a computer that can run Empire: Total War. May only take five years to get…

  6. Audent Says:

    My new beast o’joy is on sale now for about $1500 from Dell (with no monitor) but you’ll need a better graphics card so up to about $2000 is all you need for a game machine these days. Beats the $8000 it used to take.

    If you need to invade Scotland, a good Catholic state, you’re going to piss off the Pope… sad but true.

    Med II: Kingdoms is the one I want. It’s an add on that lets you play as the Welsh (or one of several other minor houses) and that’s the one that gets you to the New World.

    I foresee a House of Glyndwr spreading across the world… an enlightened era…

  7. Mysterious Dave Mather Says:

    The Medieval: Total War 1 Viking expansion was a lot of fun, and it was fun driving the Saeson back into the North Sea as the Welsh reconquered the Isle of the Mighty.

    One of the best bits of that expansion was that the small Total War armies, of upto a bit over one thousand a side, made a lot of sense in Sub-Roman Britain warfare.

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